Armpit Flowers.

Many of you most likely already know about pocketsmut (pocketsmut.tumblr.com), and the point of pocketsmut was to get people to talk about sex and stop being ashamed. (pocket smut is, if you didn’t go to the page, a prosex submission based zine I’m starting) 

The reason I want people to tlak about sex is because growing up I was really ashamed about my fetishes, my sexual urges, and the fact that I was half gay. All these things made me feel embarressed and I thought I was the only girl who had these thoughts. 

The end goal of pocketsmut is to contributue to some bigger prosex cause and i was thinking a charity or something, and I wasn’t wild about the idea. But after reading about Corpus christi, a passion play in which jesus  and the apostales are all gay I am tempted to put on a production of that with the profits.

A college in texas recntly tried to put on the play but it was cancelled due to safety reasons because the community reacted so violently. which makes me want to put it on even more.

is the way that it links me and introduces me to all these awesome people.

they are so cool.

they are too cool for me.

they want to be my friend

omgomgomgomg.

(pocketsmut.tumblr.com)

(its a few days til the deadline for the first issue so I’m in super whore mode.) 

I’m dizzy from the vanilla flavor clove I just smoked.

my belly is full and later I’m going to eat soup and watch a french film with people I adore.

its raining out but I’m inside in a nice big chair with a cup of coffee and I’m about to write a paper on serial killers. A good day indeed. 

when I make I’m sick noises with my nose.

its absolutely disgusting.

I do it in public places and wait for the people around me to cringe.

irregardlessly:

HAHA Fooled you!

I am one of the very rare people who actually walk faster than they run.

Am not joking. No marathons for me!

But really, in breaking news, despite being too sick to work out for the past two weeks, I woke up and:

ALL OF MY LEG MUSCLES ARE PULLED.

wtf.

Yes! I love the mysterious things that happen in the night! It’s like leading a double life I only see the biproducts of!

WOOPSFIGHTCLUBWOOPS.

I’m so tempted to leave city lights for liberty and just eat tons of dessert.

fattyfatfatfatfat.

I see them once and I meet them once, then I meet them again and again a billion times over.

Most of them are seniors, which means I’m seeing them now and I feel like, never again.

I feel kind of funny when I have bad days because everything going wrong all at one is kind of funny. I feel kind of funny of its fixable, and if idts beyond my control then I feel hysterically funny.

But today is not ano ut of control day. lt is just a funny one , and I am in my favorite coffeeshop right now while it rains outside with hot chocolate and a bagel and I’ll be here for a while.

aspwinz:

I’m about too punch in myself in the face.

This is just… horrible.

Kill me.

I AGREE. at first I thought it had promise. , but oh my god. stop girl.

I almost drank a bug.

GROSSGROSSGROSSGROSSGROSS.

I hate dorm life a little bit.

it would be a grey crumbly corpse that is supposed to be rotting but isn’t because it is just in the mood to not do anything.

ENGLISH PAPER DUE IN 5 1/2 HOURS.

aspwinz:

thebeardedlady:

I’m not dead or starving in haiti. I’m not living at home. I’m just grumps.

Well you can be grumpy, and I’ll be bashful.

But I’m not short :(

But we can pretend!

haha thanks girl.

I’m short enough for the both of us, we could have like a tlc reality show.

I’m not dead or starving in haiti. I’m not living at home. I’m just grumps.

two actually.

well one is more of a friendship crush, he is just lovely. yes, yes for friendship. But the other, well that is a boy I like and its been a long time since I’ve liked a boy and I think its the first time I’ve met a boy who I can see myself with.

But I know not to get excited over things like this, I am sure he probs has a girlfriend, or maybe doesn’t like me, and maybe the thought to like me hasn’t occured to him, I don’t know. But he has bad acne and a really beautiful smile and I want him to appreciate me and sweep me off my feet. I want him to understand how good we’d be together.

jillian just texted me back. I feel very upset. I am just going to ignore her text. I am being illogical and emotional. I hope I just have my period.

I think its because I’m unhappy.

I am not often happy, in fact I think its my sole emotion sometimes because I never feel anything else besides complacency. thats not true, I guess I used to have alot more emotions and for awhile it was pretty exhausting especially after I read The Stranger and frequented the existential side of things. Then, one day, aeverything clicked and anger seemed stupid and I sort of stopped caring. Sometimes I”m sad, but often not. I am never angry. I am often dissatisfied, which is how I define just being so disheartedned and displeased with things but not passionately displeased.

I’m unhappy because I have to do work, and because jillian and daniel aren’t around and I’ve wanted them around all day. I’m unhappy because daniel is unhappy and I haven’t talked to him so I don’t know why and I’m unhappy because I have to give jillian a serious talking to but I don’t want to do that and I haven’t done that yet.

I guess I’m unhappy because I’m worried their mad at me, and because I don’t know what I want. What I mean is: I don’t know why I’m unhappy and I really need to talk to someone and jillian is ignoring me.

this is stupid.

my brain must look like uncooked ramen noodles right now. I just had two super intense hour and a half classes. blehblehbleh. let me figure out how to change my schedual stat.

freal.

fuck you chinese! fuck you even though its just the beginning of the semester!

tangerine-tits:

thebeardedlady:

my feet smell like buttery popcorn right now because I just took the shoes I stomped around india in off. they are super worn in and falling apart and the imprint of my feet is more than embedded in them.

lady lady lady. when did you come back?
(i used to be ‘sneezes’.)

oh hi!

I love the new name.

back from India: two days ago.

back in tumblworld:just now. I hope to stay!

my feet smell like buttery popcorn right now because I just took the shoes I stomped around india in off. they are super worn in and falling apart and the imprint of my feet is more than embedded in them.

I am so honored that you took the time to read/reblog it. 

I very much appreciate the support and I also want you all to know that things come of alot worse than they are on tumblr, and I am pretty much fine. Very fine actually. 

The situations of molestation are also not serious ones, even I can recognize that. It is an issue, and I do need to resolve it so I can be in healthy sexual relationships, but I am far from broken. I just feel very overwhelmed by these memories when I am stressed. And I’m in college now which means 70% of the time I’m sleep deprived and stressed.

But thank you for caring. It means alot. 

In other news, I found a ghost crab in my elevator

I hope you are all doing well. 

Last night I went to sleep at ten o clock and I got up at eight today! It was amazing. Actuallyi t was kind of weird cause i actually got up around 7 even though I didn’t have to be up till 9:30 and I think I may have slept too much which wouldn’t have been true EVER in Greenville so maybe my body is adjusting to all the not sleeping I’m doing?

College is beginning to feel less and less like summer camp and more and more like real life. Cue panicking. 

I realized the other day though, while I was panicking over my major and my classes and what I was going to do with my life, that I am doing just fine because the point of my life is to answer the big question on the point of life and to learn and love as much as possible and I’m learning so many valuable things right now.

The biggest thing I’m learning is to back away so far from the big picture that it looks small. I’m also learning to disconnect things from myself, and to look at the orgin of things. I am no longer in the picture and its disconcerting.

Chinese is just hard. 

I’m learning to study and “manage time” too. I’m learning to say no and go home and sleep. 

There’s a group of lesbians here who I watch the L word with every night, we didn’t last night because we went to pride and at pride I realized how unout I am. I’ve spent most of my life being unaware that I”m gay, suppressing it, then only sort of coming out. Here I’m out but I prefer not to talk about it. I didn’t like pride unless I pretended I wasn’t gay. Then I loved pride.

When I’m around people here I’m quiet, I don’t feel the need to be as loud as I used to be unless I need to impress. But Ifeel like I do need to be me eventually so slowly I’m getting louder among the Laurens who are my main group of friends. 

sneezes:

belindajumps:

chess club

latin club

key club

band

tsa

yo

bowling team (maybe)

me and sigrid started a kite flying club.
it meets wednesday :D

I am going to start a squid appreciation club. 

legitimately sick. and I also drank wine last night of the pomegranate variety (delicious sort of) so I am unsure how sick I am. 

my head feels heavy, I feel dizzy and I am not wearing a bra. 

I also smell awful and I don’t know how to fix it. Showers are not miracle workers. 

why yes, I am overrun with work, even though I feel like the only one who is? My suitemates don’t appear to do alot but its their life, not mine. I shouldn’t judge.

So college. Its hard and busy so Irarely ahve time to chill in my dorm anymore, except for today, I’m studying. Except obviously I’m not.

…I don’t have friends yet. This is because I have yet to meet people who I appreciate and vise versa, but I think thats ok. Not much was happening earlier this week, or stuff was happening, but like greek life stuff. Stuff I wasn;t intrested in. But classes started yesterday! And tomorrow I have drawing where I will actually draw, not just talk about the syallabus like I did the first day! I’m very excited to learn the basics.

 Tomorrow I also have Sociology which does not look promising. Thomas Freeman is in that class. The proffessor asked us to write her a letter about hourselves and I drew a giaraffe. I felt really dumb turning it in.

And I have elementary statistics. The instructor reminds me of and makes me miss roy alot. He’s a really fantastic instructor I think.

Today I took chinese which was fun. The instructor is really nice, I thought she would be inty and mean but she was really fantastic. Everyone was so intelligent there and I hope I get to be friends with all of them. Thats actually partially why I feel more optimistic, they are the type of people I want to be friends with. The instructor rtalked alot about us finding a chinese name, how each symbol in a name meant something, and how she  wanted nothing more than to provide us wiht a name that fit each of us individually. She wanted to find us a name, “not give us” one. So we’re having meetings with her the next couple of weeks and shes going to talk with us and we are going to find our names. I am excited.

She, the instructor, also wants us to become friends. She plans on having us work in groups that shes going to mix up every now and then so we can meet new people. She is also planning wednesday tea (!!!) so that we can sit around and eat dumplings and get to know each other.

love it.

Gender outlaws I think will be just as satisfactory. I mean I had it today. I like dit. ITs all about sexuality and gender outlwas and the profesor is very sexually open. I’m just excited. 

ok! studying now. 

or sleep, really.

But the not eating thing is what is more suprising to me, because sometimes I legitimately forget andI’ve enver been the type of person to do that before, act when I”m at home food is one of the always things I can think about even when I’m not hungry.

Here its sort of that I don’t have time for food, that the cafeteria isn’t open yet, but I have snacks in my room and I don’t go crazy and binge on those, really I’m too preoccupied.

But I think its more than that. Last night I felt really upet because I just felt freally overwhelmed and unstable and iI realized Becca’s friends drink and smoke, which I don’t have a problem with, but I think I realized I never met people who drink and smoke alot that I don’t already have a problem with, I think I just realized I was falling down the rabbit hole.

The thing about my dorm is you’d have to sign yourself out then back in to have a cigarette, so I walked around mcconnell, then I ate a slice of pizza, and apples with peanut butter, which is alot of food for college nina. My belly hurt so bad after, it still does. 

I don’t think I ever realized how much food I eat out of anxiety, discomfort, or boredom. I’m so glad to be out of my house. 

you can tell. My eyebrow hair is growing back in. I kind of like it, it makes me look like a wolf. Or, you know, a girl whose between waxes. But I prefer wolf.

the feel of tense muscel when I put my hand on my upper back thigh and I’m bending over and I feel strong.

Hipster Dance Parties like the one I just had at Becca, Anna, and Julia (and Jillian who wasn’t moved in yet)’s suite, where we talk about trendy music and blast it from Anna’s speakers all of us dancing awfully, uila sitting on a chiar in her frog slippers making fun of Dancing HIpsters but not specifically us, our bellies full of the fudge Anna made earlier that night, which, we all agreed, could use some bourbon. 

The long talk me and my resident assistant had about drugs, bisexuality, and learning. I love my RA she is so sweet and nice and we seem very similar. 

That I recognized, finally„ that the reason I act so awkward in front of strangers is because I’m shy.

That I didn’t fall off my loft last night.

The cinnamon Hazelnut coffee my mother gave me, it tastes delicious I don’t really mind not eating.

The set up of my dorm. It’s fantastic. I have so much storage space and I have suite style bathrooms and right now, maybe because no one is here, there is so much space.

The journal I got on clearance at Urban Outfitters and how I was able to think about market philosophy while wandering the airconditioned store.

How much fun I”m having :] 

I’m really only posting because I think I want to remember this?

Right now I’m fucking terrified. I am not excited I’m scared out of my mind and disoriented. I”m excited to paint all the cardboard I’ve accumulated and i”m starting to get the layout of my room down but when my parents first left me I was so upset. The stove didn’t work so I could make indian tea and my dorm was completely empty and it was so lonely. 

I’ve never really lived by myself ever. and it just occured to me what I’m going and that I’m a college kid and I”ve heard that title that “college kid” title and its never included me and all the sudden it does. How does that happen? 

I never though I would really make it to this point and now that I”m here I”m scared. Everyone feels older than me. I don’t know how to act and I feel fake to even myself. 

I’m so so scared.

11 hours before I leave for Charleston and my beloved letter box has gone missing!!!!!!!!!!

D: 

I’m going to pack. then I”m going to panic. Then, if I can sleep (if I don’t sleep its ok because its a four hour drive and I think I”ll have more trouble falling alseep tomorrow night. So any bit of tired helps)

I could leave the letters and find it over summer break, but I was going to decorate my dorm with over five years of letters postcards and my side is going to look so sad without it.

But on a brighter note: I did find my wallet today. 

icodeforlove:

This is my first tumblr post :), I’ll attempt to introduce myself…

My name is Chad, I’m 20 years old, and I live in Los Angeles. I’m a total computer nerd, I have been into computer for as long as i can remember. I normally don’t come off as a nerd/geek but if you hit the right subject its over ;).

I have been employed by Sony Pictures Imageworks Interactive for the past two years as a Web Developer/Engineer (great team over there).

I will probably be posting on tumblr about code, and nerdy stuff that has tickled my soul.

I hope tumblr gives me a warm welcome, you guys can find me on twitter @icodeforlove

I think you should read microserfs, its all about coding in the 90s :]

Today I said goodbye to Bethe, another best friend, but it didn’t feel like a goodbye. Maybe because last time we said good bye she left for Germany for a year, but this isn’t so extreme so it doesn’t feel like goodbye?

This is hard to explain.

In Germany Bethe didn’t have a cell phone or internet realy so I dind’t talk to her ever. Here, Bethe has  a phone. I said goodbye than I texted her, its ok. I’m going to still talk to her, and(hopefully) I’m going to meet alot of new people so its going to be ok. I keep saying that, but I’m trying to emphasize how ok we, I am going to be.

But. I know it sounds like I have all these best friends and it kind of desensitizes  the word, but really. I’m close to these people. I’ve known them for years, all of them over 3, most of them over 6. 

This is how I make friends. I see people, we hang out and then I wrap my tentacles around them and keep them close forever. Now i have to let my babies go so I can go to college and its weird,because I”m letting them go but I’m not letting them go.

That sounds naiive, let me preface this with the fact that most of them have already left my indian love nest and we’ve stayed close. I know what I’m doing. (kind of.)